NEVER FORGET

Celebrity media is pretty forgiving - I mean they can't  keep bringing up the same old scandals. That is unless you're more concerned with hating on celebrities than you are with providing fresh content. And that is what Champain is all about. It's not just painful for celebs, it's painful for readers.

As far as I'm concerned Fergie has done two interesting things in her life: meth and pee herself.

It's been 5 years since this incident but for me the delight the photo gives me is as fresh as the morning dew.

And who could forget Halle Berry's hit and run accident? Most people, considering it was 11 years ago. She claimed she fled the scene due to amnesia. That is such a soap opera excuse. Might as well say it was your evil twin. It doesn't even make sense. I guess she forgot to not get drunk, slam into another car and then speed away.

And how about when Rachel Zoe had all the Hollywood It Girls sporting gas chamber chic?

And Nicole Richie trashed Zoe on her Myspace (haha myspace)

What 35-year-old raisin face whispers her order of 3 pieces of asparagus for dinner at Chateau every night, and hides her deathly disorder by pointing the finger at me, and used her last paycheck I wrote her to pay for a publicist instead of a nutritionist? 

That pic of Nicole is priceless. It's like the opposite of thinspiration. If you need to gain weight keep that guy laminated in your wallet.

X Melissa

BORN THIS WAY

That boring bitch Gaga needs to pull her balls out of her ass and stop pretending like she's some kind of Messiah to the creatives. I can't see a glimpse of that train wreck without catching a case of the yawns. You employ an entire team of hoes to make you look interesting and the best you can come up with is a bad Ralph Macchio impersonation?

I love that her real first name is Stefani. STEFANI! I have never met a Stefani/Stephanie/Stephany- (however you want to try to make your name more interesting) that wasn't a complete waste of air and water.

Stefani wasn't Born This Way

BEHOLD! Your Mother Monster is just chubby Stefani who lets little Billy from up the block finger her hoo ha and her no no after school. I saw 8 goobers just like this chick browsing the always chic and cheap Forever 21, yesterday.

 

2 sips of the kool aid and 

BAM!!!! 

The most interesting woman in the world!

Hello Gorgeous!

The only thing this bitch is teaching our youth is that you should be anything BUT yourself. Whoever transformed this melted wax baby doll with pull-the-string and out comes another contrived sentence deserves the Ripleys Believe it or Not award of the decade.

Lady Stefani of the Yawns, you weren't born this way, you were sent here to steal from the gays and make my eyeballs wanna run away from my face every time I have to suffer through another mouth shart like this: “live your eyeliner, breathe your lipstick, and kill for each other." Someone take out this baby dolls battery pack, please.

ZZZZZZzzzzzzzZZZZzzzzzzzz................
       
X Mike                                                           

LESBIAN WEDDING INTERRUPTS AMERICAN MUSIC AWARDS

Pop quiz! Which one of these photos does not depict a lesbian wedding?

If you guessed the last one you're right! That's actually Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez at last night's American Music Awards. Quite frankly they put Ellen and Portia de Rossi to shame.

X Melissa

HISTORY OF THE KARDASHIANS TOLD IN CHRISTMAS CARDS

These Christmas cards are all from Kim's blog. 

This photo really sums up the kids. Kim is working the camera, Kourtney is brain dead, Khloe is wondering who all these swarthy people are and Rob is crying about some shit.

Rob Jr. is such a jackass. Look at that fucking outfit. Kim kills it again. Kourtney is still brain dead. Khloe is looking more and more like her father every day. Whoever that is. Her glance says, "you know and I know that this is a sham".

Momma Kris hooked up with Bruce Jenner after she was dumped for cheating. What the fuck is this green thing they're celebrating? He's there in person and then they've got dolls of it? I bet Kris hit it - whatever it is. She was definitely coked up, smearing lipstick on the girls and assuring them that this giant lizard was way better than daddy. And who is Bruce's eldest? He appears to have a touch of the down.

No bright red lipstick on children in this photo. No sir. That shit doesn't fly with daddy. Daddy won't have his girls growing up to be whores like mommy. It's bad enough daddy had to raise a kid that wasn't his. He's not ready to be a granddaddy to grandkids that aren't his. Khloe stay close to daddy. 

What have we here? Someone got a new mommy. And she's a class act. I've never seen Rob Sr. so relaxed. He's relieved that his girls finally have a proper role model. And Khloe finally looks like she belongs in this family. Wins all around!

Noooooo. Daddy died. And now Khloe's on the back of a motorcycle with a man in a toupee. Khloe says she lost her virginity at the age of 14 to a boy who was 18. Looks like our retarded homeboy back there is about that age.

X Melissa

KHLOE KARDASHIAN'S REAL DAD REVEALED

The fact of the matter is: Khloe Kardashian is not a Kardashian. Yes, I started a blog to say this. It has been burning a hole in my fucking soul. I have sat idly by while you idiots have believed this for TOO LONG. The straw that broke the camel's back was this:

Apparently Kris Jenner felt that her family was not getting enough publicity with Kim's fake marriage and subsequent divorce so she published a tell all book about herself. In it she describes the affair that ended her marriage with Rob Kardashian. "His name was Ryan and he was a producer," she writes. "We had wild sex everywhere, all the time."

Why don't you tell us your dead husband had a small penis while you're at it? Jesus Christ. And you totally just told us who Khloe's real dad is.

If anyone knows a producer that looks like this contact me immediately.

Need more evidence? Well here ya go.

She's huge.  And look at this:

That's a red headed step child if ever I've seen one. Meanwhile old Kardashian family photos are priceless. More in the next post!

X Melissa